Trust Your Gut

in*tu*i*tion-noun
1-direct perception of truth, fact, etc., independent of any reasoning process; immediate apprehension.
2-a fact, truth, ect., perceived in this way.
3-a keen and quick insight.

Sooo...we all have it. Not just MOTHERS. Not just WOMEN. All of us. Including myself. Mine, in my opinion, is EXTRA keen, if you will. It kicks in, and it's decision time. This is where I, personally, go wrong. Making the right decision at this point, is where I lack. Signifigantly. I know what will come of either decision, but whether I choose to ignore this or not is the hurdle in my life. I continue to surround myself with the wrong people. My mother points out that I have done this my entire life. No matter how much I love them, and/or enjoy being around them, I am in no position to ignore the influence certain types of people have on me. I can sit here and preach ALL DAY LONG about how I am my own person, and I make my own decisions (right or wrong), but I surround myself with the things/people with which I am comfortable being destructive, for the most part. Therefore, I get to keep being destructive! Yipee! NO!!! Not cool. Being self-aware, and acknowleging this doesn't make it ok, though. It doesn't fix those bad choices. In fact, it makes it worse, because it is an admittance to supreme stupidity, on my part. The theme to my life is "I KNEW BETTER!" Pa. Thetic. Now, there IS a bright side, believe it or not. I, THANK GOD, have people in my life who refuse to let me become comfortable in that state. I have my parents, bestie, sister, and ex or 2, God, and a few others from my past, who simply aren't havin' it. No way, no how. These are the people I avoid when I feel like ignoring my intuition and fucking up. Why? Cause I know I can't "fake the funk" with them. My sister, for example, will never let me forget that "I am better than the choices I make". And I sure as shit hope she's right!!! A fork in the road has been a long time coming for me, and it's a matter of do or die at this point. My faith in my intuition is what's gonna really save my ass in the coming months, and we'll all see what i'm truely made of. It's put up, or shut up, and to all those who get left behind- Good luck in life. Last November, right before Thanksgiving, I experienced something that taught me the most important lesson in life, and it is as follows:
NO ONE ON THIS EARTH WILL TAKE CARE OF ME BUT ME! My safety, well-being, and health is in no one's best interest but my own. No more trusting others to keep me safe. No more believing others' promises of what will/will not happen to me. I cannot trust anyone but MYSELF, NO MATTER WHAT!!! My safety, my fate, my future is in mine, and God's hands ONLY, and my faith and intuition will tell me what I need to know. I was brought up well, and know the difference between right and wrong. As long as I keep that judgement directed at myself, my choices, and my actions, as opposed to at others', i'll be juuuust fine. No more caring about others' feelings, and hardships above my own. I have been far too caring, accepting, and rightous to set aside my own perogative when it comes to saving others. Until I save myself, I am of no use to the people I care about, or to God to do his work. So, in conclusion, I want to say thank you to those who refuse to give up on me, and farewell to those I must leave behind. It's go time. I cannot let my feelings of shame and guilt cripple me any longer. I've done what i've done, said what i've said, and wronged who i've wronged. Nothing is a valid excuse to keep me sick. My intuition has my head clear, my Lord has my heart open, and my future has eyes on the prize.